Stories about Me

I was born in Belfast in 1988, the youngest of four children.

I was diagnosed with dyspraxia as a child. I took me a long, long time to learn how to walk. I could recite the names of dinosaurs before I could walk. Couldn't tie my own shoelaces or tie until nearly the end of Primary School. Never learnt to ride a bike, and gave up driving after 36 lessons.

I am a highly accomplished guitarist. It took me a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to the level I am at, and I know I can still improve infinitely. I've never told any guitar teacher I have about my condition- I don't want them to go easy on me.

I remember my first guitar. It was a classical guitar that had been in our attic since the sixties. It was missing a machine head, so I used a fork to turn the mechanism and tighten the string. A tuning fork. I was fond of that joke at the time.

I remember my first depression. It hit me hard when I was 16 in the run up to Christmas, more of a physical ailment than an emotional one. I was at the doctors for blood tests etc. to find out why I'd lost so much energy- no-one suspected what it actually was. The next one was much worse... I've at least one depressive episode every year since then, most of them pretty severe.

I started my first degree in 2006- I had to leave Edinburgh University in January 2008. Then I made one of the best decisions I've ever made. I applied to study Music Technology at QUB.

The most hypomania I've ever had was in the summer of 2007. I was working in a bar and finishing at 5am and just not sleeping. I remember feeling so strong, so loved, so desirable.

I remember my first sexual experience very clearly. The most vivid things I recall is the feeling of the sun beating down of my naked back, and the look in her eyes.

My mood swings have had a devastating effect on my relationships. They've distanced me from almost every friend I've ever made. Sometimes I miss them.

I believe improvisation is the soul of a person. When I improvise well, I am contented and my soul is free.

The comedown from the summer of 2007 nearly killed me, I went into a long and severe depression- but even this was interspersed with dizzying highs, in which my behaviour became increasingly destructive.

I hold an Irish Passport, and am a citizen of Ireland. My national identity is very important to me.

On the 20th November 2007, I reached the end. I sustained numerous self-inflicted knife wounds, and was stopped from further harming myself by the Police, who my flatmates had called. I had been making plans to kill myself for months- I suppose there are some things we are not meant to succeed at.

I waste a lot of time thinking what I would call my children if I had any and what it would be like to be a father.
Some of my favourite boy's names; Jack, Vito, Ronan.
Girls; Aoife, America, Cosmia.

I owe my parents everything. When I wasn't strong enough to carry on, they carried me. My mother was offered the chance to have me sectioned several times and she always said no.

I've seen some pretty horrible things when I've been ill. Hallucinations can be pleasant, but more often than not they are fucking terrifying.

My one goal is to compose music. But there is no rush for me. That said.... listen to this.

My current medications are Efexor (anti-depressant) and Seroquel (anti-psychotic). I'm likely to be on some form of medication for the rest of my life.

I started my course in Music Technology in Autumn 2008, against all odds given that I'd been seriously ill until that summer. Since then, I've still struggled with mood swings and medication but I'm happy that I'm doing the right thing for me, and feel fulfilled. It's still too early to think about graduating. I'm aware that I might once again reach a place where I can't carry on.

I don't define myself as a sufferer of mental illness, I define myself as a musician. But my illness goes a long way to defining who I am as a musician, my whole life experience has done that.

I don't have any regrets looking back on my life. I'm proud of the strength I've showed at various points, and i think I've played the hand I was given pretty well. Life is about making the best of whatever comes your way. I look forward to what the future holds.

Medication Mishap

Embarrassing incident this week. Forgot on two occasions to take my Efexor and the second time I destabilised big time. Started off with manic energy and creativity, then I lost my focus to the extent that I couldn't even form full sentences. Confused speech and hyperactivity is a bitch to manage, I called my dad and explained to him my plans to revolutionize electroacoustic music (which now seem very tenuous it must be said) So he decided to drive to Queens Elms to collect me. Embarrasingly, I then went walkabout and met a classmate on his way to a club with his mates, and... well it can't have come off well. I wouldn't have been making much sense. He does know of my mood disorder, but now he knows I wasn't shitting him!

Still, a lot of anti-psychotics later and I'm still here, still in one piece. And back to a coherent state of mind again. Think I'll start being a bit more careful with the aul meds. Wouldn't want to do anything stupid. Got off lightly this time... I did publicly embarrass myself, but it's all par for the course. When you slip into that kind of mindset without warning, a win is not trying to rob a bank or naked jaywalking.*

*I have actually done this, no word of a lie! Really caused me a lot of problems with some of the girls I was sharing a flat with... but what can you do, you know? It took me along time not to feel ashamed, to accept I wasn't responsible for my mania.

But I will be responsible if I end up sliding back there because of negligence managing my own medication. Took me along time after the hospitalization to win back the right to handle my own meds, and I'm not gonna fuck it up. Tighter ship from now on.

QUBe

I got into QUBe!

QUBe is a lot of fun- they do things like game pieces (including, this year, the famous piece Cobra by John Zorn) and free improvisation.

Had an audition which basically consisted with me sitting down with Steve Davis and just going for it. Open improvisation. And they liked me! Most fun I've ever had at an audition. It was a bit surreal playing with Steve Davis, because I really like some of the stuff I've heard of him on record like this piece from Lost Something. That's a beautiful, beautiful piece of music.

So this is a good thing for me as a musician. There's a concert in May, in SARC.

Good News

I've been feeling consistently 'stable' for about 10 days.  That's good news part 1. Good news part 2 is I've finished all my semester 1 coursework ahead of the deadline on monday.

So I'm basically on holiday until the 4th February. What will I do?

Feel like I should restart my social life but... ever since I was 17 the only socialising I have done has been under the influence of hypomania. I don't actually know how to do it, except project confidence- a lot easier when you have infinite reserves! Since then I've been sort of informally diagnosed with a serious mood disorder (they won't tell me about the bipolar thing- I know I've met the conditions for Bipolar 2 though.) and Asperger's Syndrome.

So you can imagine I don't have much confidence to go out and socialise! I feel nervous even talking to people. I had some good times before I crashed in semester 1, there were Americans. I was a bit crazy then. They're gone though.

Think I'll call my cousin. Good news part 3, he's feeling better. Apart from that, I basically don't know how to make friends. I don't know how the system works. I can't remember how I got the ones I've had.

God, what a boring, self-absorbed post. Once I stop being mentally ill, I stop having anything interesting to say! It's for the best...

View of Strangford Lough

This is near my parents house, where I spend most of my time. I walk Holly along the shores of Strangford almost every day, but I took this photo a little further down the Ards Peninsula in the summer of 2007.

Dead to the World!

So I took the rest of my seroquel at about seven o'clock last night, fell asleep on the couch, was helped to my bedroom by my dad at 10 and woke up this morning at seven a.m. My old man said it was like switching off a light. I've never taken my full dose of seroquel before 11p.m. but I'd rather be completely out of it altogether than feel like I did last night. I felt like all the light and colour was draining from the world, I couldn't take enjoyment in anything, but I also felt so agitated, panicked and distressed.  My CPN is going to hear about this tomorrow...

I'm glad to say I now can feel the pleasure of sound and hear the colours and light in it again. The album Laminae by The Green Kingdom is helping. It's beautiful. I can now appreciate beauty again. I fear losing this permanently, because I so often lose it temporarily.

Feeling Bad

I'm feeling bad. I don't think I've eaten enough today, I don't think my blood sugar is high enough. With infuriatingly little info from my shrink or CPN I don't know why this happens. I've taken some of my seroquel early. That's helped stop the 'crash' before. 

You know The Godfather? Just when I thought I was out.... sucked back in. You can't escape it, it's inevitable when you feel well, you have to cherish it.