Continued thought

It's great to have nothing to write about. I'm completely on holiday; I haven't left the house today. It's very much the break I needed as I wrote before... Reading my previous post, made me think of this time last year. Just as much free time for a very different reason, I was lost in my own mind, I was very sick. If I remember correctly I spent last Christmas Day mostly by myself, I rallied myself to spend time giving and receiving gifts with my family but I certainly didn't feel any 'Christmas spirit', I couldn't. All the food tasted like ashes... how do you describe these experiences in words? You can't. I'd been rushed home from Edinburgh in the worst possible circumstances and I didn't have anything to look forward to- yes, it was just a symptom of a depressive episode but the only vivid memory I have of last Christmas is I knew that there wasn't anything to live for and I didn't have the energy to try and end myself again. That's very sad I know.

SO

Posting that aphorism the other day implied something unfair about my own attitude after that time, because it would have been easier to give up than carry on, but looking back on the year gone past I DID try harder and I owe the fact that I'm much happier this Christmas to that, not just luck, time or venlafaxine. Though of course they all played very large, relevant parts.

And this is also a good time of year to reflect on all the good things of the past year. I'm thinking of my relationship with my mother- it was always distant and filled with hurt for both of us. But when the mania followed in the spring of this year past, it was her who insisted that I didn't need to go into hospital to the CPNs et al. She was informed they had a bed for me and she said no, despite the fact my CPN was beginning to worry about my parents safety as I failed to control what was happening to me... Frightening experiences and memories, but my parents were rocks and now their gifts don't come out of obligation- I really want to show them how much I owe them. Because I hate to think where I'd be without them. So, now my mum and I have a relationship where we never did before. It's not the only good thing bipolar gave us, but it is by some distance the biggest. And now the crisis has gone but the bonds it formed have not.

After all the po-faced seriousness of that post, I feel obliged to mention that my dad made lamb shanks and I ate them with my fingers. I've got the sauce on my nose. So merry Christmas!