New Year's Eve and I've Nowhere To Go

It's been a pretty unpleasant nine days. I haven't wanted anybody around, hated company. I barely said two words to my family when they were here. Christmas is such an overload, I had to go from being a hermit to being constantly around my family, by the 27th I just... shut down. Even when I try and force myself to talk to people, my friends, on line I can't. I just have nothing to say. I'm considering investigating getting assessed to see whether or not I do have Aspergers Syndrome beyond reasonable doubt, be that as it may, I DO have a mood disorder and I worry that this is behind my mindset in a subtle way. I don't feel like I am depressed. Just fed up with my life, which is probably what people who have never suffered clinical depression refer to as depression. So I would suggest that I am not having any kind of episode, but am feeling the effects of being unable to relate to 'normal' people within my family on an emotional level, unable to tolerate company and yet still feeling socially isolated. It's not my mood disorder- just fed up.

Ay... my life is slipping away. New year's Eve at home, the only friend within the same country as me  is seriously ill. I will visit him soon.

Continued thought

It's great to have nothing to write about. I'm completely on holiday; I haven't left the house today. It's very much the break I needed as I wrote before... Reading my previous post, made me think of this time last year. Just as much free time for a very different reason, I was lost in my own mind, I was very sick. If I remember correctly I spent last Christmas Day mostly by myself, I rallied myself to spend time giving and receiving gifts with my family but I certainly didn't feel any 'Christmas spirit', I couldn't. All the food tasted like ashes... how do you describe these experiences in words? You can't. I'd been rushed home from Edinburgh in the worst possible circumstances and I didn't have anything to look forward to- yes, it was just a symptom of a depressive episode but the only vivid memory I have of last Christmas is I knew that there wasn't anything to live for and I didn't have the energy to try and end myself again. That's very sad I know.

SO

Posting that aphorism the other day implied something unfair about my own attitude after that time, because it would have been easier to give up than carry on, but looking back on the year gone past I DID try harder and I owe the fact that I'm much happier this Christmas to that, not just luck, time or venlafaxine. Though of course they all played very large, relevant parts.

And this is also a good time of year to reflect on all the good things of the past year. I'm thinking of my relationship with my mother- it was always distant and filled with hurt for both of us. But when the mania followed in the spring of this year past, it was her who insisted that I didn't need to go into hospital to the CPNs et al. She was informed they had a bed for me and she said no, despite the fact my CPN was beginning to worry about my parents safety as I failed to control what was happening to me... Frightening experiences and memories, but my parents were rocks and now their gifts don't come out of obligation- I really want to show them how much I owe them. Because I hate to think where I'd be without them. So, now my mum and I have a relationship where we never did before. It's not the only good thing bipolar gave us, but it is by some distance the biggest. And now the crisis has gone but the bonds it formed have not.

After all the po-faced seriousness of that post, I feel obliged to mention that my dad made lamb shanks and I ate them with my fingers. I've got the sauce on my nose. So merry Christmas!

Thought

I've been following the blog PostSecret.

I found one postcard that got to me. It said 'I've been using manic depression as an excuse to give up. I should be using it as a reason to try harder'

It's the wisest thing I've ever seen on the internet. It's got me thinking.

Great online label

Everybody check out The Land Of.

It's run by Justin Hardison (aka. My Fun) and he's put together a roster of some absolutely wonderful talent. There are some great albums on there, I received my handmade edition of Laminae by The Green Kingdom today(it's exquisite btw, I'm listening to it now and it's really beautiful)  and you can also download albums for a very reasonable $8 (Americano money).

I'm still feeling completely worn out and exhausted, but I've rallied emotionally. I'm just glad to be back in the family home, and not under pressure to go to classes or talk to people. Things will be better in the spring, with much to look forward to. And there has been rugby! I watched both Welsh derbies and the Bath vs Sale match. I find it difficult to concentrate for 80 mins but there were some great scores, Luke McAlister is way to good for this hemisphere. He's an All Black imo, if he goes back down south. Imagine that... they could choose between McAlister and Nonu! The two best inside centres in the world. And on that scary note, I will leave!

Looking to next year's Music

I just got an e-mail from the guy who runs our Performance Workshop course (Dr. Stapleton). Next semester, after the submission of all necessary coursework, we'll get to choose our own ensembles. Hallelujah... the way is open for me to branch out in creative directions that were closed to me! I reckon a group who can incorporate pre-recordings, samples, loops and signal processing into an electroacoustic performance/composition environment is now open! Who's afraid of ambient music? I'm very excited about the possibilities now (potentially) open to me. I'll start now, and when I get the E-bow and delay pedal, my sound continues to develop.

It's so important for me to have a creative outlet, and I felt that the guys I was working with (who don't like the sort of things I do/like) were curbing that. My other band doesn't have the same scope for experimentation either, much as I enjoy it, blues is quite hard to reconcile with free-tempi electroacoustic stuff. So I fully intend to grasp this opportunity. :-D I'll revisit this later to set some firm goals, after consulting with (probably) Eimear. I think I want to look into using MaxMSP to try and refine my guitar sound, it's the most powerful tool I could have...

I've made a playlist on last.fm of some of the music which is influencing me, if anyone is interested. I'm sorry if this post is indecipherable. I feel very lucky though, to be on a course which nurtures my creativity so much.

Brian Eno

This is my album of the year. And of course it's an album that has been around for many years, but I've only got into it recently

Brian Eno - Music for Airports

It's melancholy, lonely, relaxing and very, very beautiful.

Christmas, good timing.

I'm glad it's nearly Christmas, and that all my classes are over. I've just come out of a five-week D.

That's not a bad one, to feel depressed for only five weeks at this time of year, getting off lightly, especially when I consider the hell that nearly ended me last November. So I am lucky. But it's INCREDIBLY hard to keep up with work when you're depressed! I had to get extensions for various projects, missed lots of classes, I've been having catch-up tutorials. Then my meds got put up, so we're looking at drowsiness on top of the 24-hour fatigue... I missed a lot. But do you want to know the happy ending? I'm feeling better, albeit very socially isolated (when I'm depressed I hide in my room, I've been too scared to go into the kitchen or talk to the people I used to be friends with at the start of the semester. I guess social anxiety is par for the course). So I'm feeling better, I met all my deadlines, I'm caught up (with good grades) and tonight I'm going home.

They call them episodes, and they do feel like little soap operas sometimes.

Last night, I did the first social thing I've done in two months, I went on the music technology night out. It was very dull, although I had an interesting conversation about LSD. It was too loud, with all the music, and talking, it was not a pleasant environment. It's funny I used to work in a bar, and a hotel bar, but ever since I became a recluse who only listens to ambient music alone in his room, my standards have obviously changed!

I've been lurking and posting on this interesting site- www.wrongplanet.net

This comes in the wake of my Community Psychiatric Nurse, mother and various other people pointing out that I, apparently, have Aspergers Syndrome. I looked up all the symtons and though I'm not formally diagnosed 'The glove fits.' I've been lurking over there and it's been very informative, some threads I've stumbled across that are uncannily similar to my own experience. Like, uncanny, I swear.

So what lies in store over the holidays? Fun with MaxMSP and guitars! More studying! (I love studying music so much) and seeing the family. Would like to see my cousin, spend a lot of time with him. He has suffered a similar medicated twilight in recent times. You never feel quite normal on meds.

So have a great solstice, any readers out there.

£50 note

I heard this little story the other day, which I will now paraphrase. Not sure if this is true or an urban myth or just a fun little story to make people feel good but...

A lecturer pulled out a £50 note from his pocket and said to his class 'Would anyone like this?'

(There were several willing takers)

So he crumpled it into ball, and threw it on the ground and jumped on it! He picked up the battered note and offered it again to the class. Despite it's worse for wear state, the impoverished students were still equally keen to take it off his hands.

'So', he said, 'what it's been through hasn't changed it's value. People are the very same. Whatever you've been through, you're still a person of value'

Sounds like a pretty easy class, huh?