The Journey Back To Real Life

Stories about Me

2009-02-14T17:18:00.001-08:00

I was born in Belfast in 1988, the youngest of four children.

I was diagnosed with dyspraxia as a child. I took me a long, long time to learn how to walk. I could recite the names of dinosaurs before I could walk. Couldn't tie my own shoelaces or tie until nearly the end of Primary School. Never learnt to ride a bike, and gave up driving after 36 lessons.

I am a highly accomplished guitarist. It took me a lot of time and a lot of hard work to get to the level I am at, and I know I can still improve infinitely. I've never told any guitar teacher I have about my condition- I don't want them to go easy on me.

I remember my first guitar. It was a classical guitar that had been in our attic since the sixties. It was missing a machine head, so I used a fork to turn the mechanism and tighten the string. A tuning fork. I was fond of that joke at the time.

I remember my first depression. It hit me hard when I was 16 in the run up to Christmas, more of a physical ailment than an emotional one. I was at the doctors for blood tests etc. to find out why I'd lost so much energy- no-one suspected what it actually was. The next one was much worse... I've at least one depressive episode every year since then, most of them pretty severe.

I started my first degree in 2006- I had to leave Edinburgh University in January 2008. Then I made one of the best decisions I've ever made. I applied to study Music Technology at QUB.

The most hypomania I've ever had was in the summer of 2007. I was working in a bar and finishing at 5am and just not sleeping. I remember feeling so strong, so loved, so desirable.

I remember my first sexual experience very clearly. The most vivid things I recall is the feeling of the sun beating down of my naked back, and the look in her eyes.

My mood swings have had a devastating effect on my relationships. They've distanced me from almost every friend I've ever made. Sometimes I miss them.

I believe improvisation is the soul of a person. When I improvise well, I am contented and my soul is free.

The comedown from the summer of 2007 nearly killed me, I went into a long and severe depression- but even this was interspersed with dizzying highs, in which my behaviour became increasingly destructive.

I hold an Irish Passport, and am a citizen of Ireland. My national identity is very important to me.

On the 20th November 2007, I reached the end. I sustained numerous self-inflicted knife wounds, and was stopped from further harming myself by the Police, who my flatmates had called. I had been making plans to kill myself for months- I suppose there are some things we are not meant to succeed at.

I waste a lot of time thinking what I would call my children if I had any and what it would be like to be a father.
Some of my favourite boy's names; Jack, Vito, Ronan.
Girls; Aoife, America, Cosmia.

I owe my parents everything. When I wasn't strong enough to carry on, they carried me. My mother was offered the chance to have me sectioned several times and she always said no.

I've seen some pretty horrible things when I've been ill. Hallucinations can be pleasant, but more often than not they are fucking terrifying.

My one goal is to compose music. But there is no rush for me. That said.... listen to this.

My current medications are Efexor (anti-depressant) and Seroquel (anti-psychotic). I'm likely to be on some form of medication for the rest of my life.

I started my course in Music Technology in Autumn 2008, against all odds given that I'd been seriously ill until that summer. Since then, I've still struggled with mood swings and medication but I'm happy that I'm doing the right thing for me, and feel fulfilled. It's still too early to think about graduating. I'm aware that I might once again reach a place where I can't carry on.

I don't define myself as a sufferer of mental illness, I define myself as a musician. But my illness goes a long way to defining who I am as a musician, my whole life experience has done that.

I don't have any regrets looking back on my life. I'm proud of the strength I've showed at various points, and i think I've played the hand I was given pretty well. Life is about making the best of whatever comes your way. I look forward to what the future holds.

Medication Mishap

2009-02-13T14:19:00.000-08:00

Embarrassing incident this week. Forgot on two occasions to take my Efexor and the second time I destabilised big time. Started off with manic energy and creativity, then I lost my focus to the extent that I couldn't even form full sentences. Confused speech and hyperactivity is a bitch to manage, I called my dad and explained to him my plans to revolutionize electroacoustic music (which now seem very tenuous it must be said) So he decided to drive to Queens Elms to collect me. Embarrasingly, I then went walkabout and met a classmate on his way to a club with his mates, and... well it can't have come off well. I wouldn't have been making much sense. He does know of my mood disorder, but now he knows I wasn't shitting him!

Still, a lot of anti-psychotics later and I'm still here, still in one piece. And back to a coherent state of mind again. Think I'll start being a bit more careful with the aul meds. Wouldn't want to do anything stupid. Got off lightly this time... I did publicly embarrass myself, but it's all par for the course. When you slip into that kind of mindset without warning, a win is not trying to rob a bank or naked jaywalking.*

*I have actually done this, no word of a lie! Really caused me a lot of problems with some of the girls I was sharing a flat with... but what can you do, you know? It took me along time not to feel ashamed, to accept I wasn't responsible for my mania.

But I will be responsible if I end up sliding back there because of negligence managing my own medication. Took me along time after the hospitalization to win back the right to handle my own meds, and I'm not gonna fuck it up. Tighter ship from now on.

QUBe

2009-02-04T10:50:00.000-08:00

I got into QUBe!

QUBe is a lot of fun- they do things like game pieces (including, this year, the famous piece Cobra by John Zorn) and free improvisation.

Had an audition which basically consisted with me sitting down with Steve Davis and just going for it. Open improvisation. And they liked me! Most fun I've ever had at an audition. It was a bit surreal playing with Steve Davis, because I really like some of the stuff I've heard of him on record like this piece from Lost Something. That's a beautiful, beautiful piece of music.

So this is a good thing for me as a musician. There's a concert in May, in SARC.

Good News

2009-01-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling consistently 'stable' for about 10 days. That's good news part 1. Good news part 2 is I've finished all my semester 1 coursework ahead of the deadline on monday.

So I'm basically on holiday until the 4th February. What will I do?

Feel like I should restart my social life but... ever since I was 17 the only socialising I have done has been under the influence of hypomania. I don't actually know how to do it, except project confidence- a lot easier when you have infinite reserves! Since then I've been sort of informally diagnosed with a serious mood disorder (they won't tell me about the bipolar thing- I know I've met the conditions for Bipolar 2 though.) and Asperger's Syndrome.

So you can imagine I don't have much confidence to go out and socialise! I feel nervous even talking to people. I had some good times before I crashed in semester 1, there were Americans. I was a bit crazy then. They're gone though.

Think I'll call my cousin. Good news part 3, he's feeling better. Apart from that, I basically don't know how to make friends. I don't know how the system works. I can't remember how I got the ones I've had.

God, what a boring, self-absorbed post. Once I stop being mentally ill, I stop having anything interesting to say! It's for the best...

View of Strangford Lough

2009-01-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

This is near my parents house, where I spend most of my time. I walk Holly along the shores of Strangford almost every day, but I took this photo a little further down the Ards Peninsula in the summer of 2007.

Dead to the World!

2009-01-11T02:33:00.000-08:00

So I took the rest of my seroquel at about seven o'clock last night, fell asleep on the couch, was helped to my bedroom by my dad at 10 and woke up this morning at seven a.m. My old man said it was like switching off a light. I've never taken my full dose of seroquel before 11p.m. but I'd rather be completely out of it altogether than feel like I did last night. I felt like all the light and colour was draining from the world, I couldn't take enjoyment in anything, but I also felt so agitated, panicked and distressed. My CPN is going to hear about this tomorrow...

I'm glad to say I now can feel the pleasure of sound and hear the colours and light in it again. The album Laminae by The Green Kingdom is helping. It's beautiful. I can now appreciate beauty again. I fear losing this permanently, because I so often lose it temporarily.

Feeling Bad

2009-01-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling bad. I don't think I've eaten enough today, I don't think my blood sugar is high enough. With infuriatingly little info from my shrink or CPN I don't know why this happens. I've taken some of my seroquel early. That's helped stop the 'crash' before.

You know The Godfather? Just when I thought I was out.... sucked back in. You can't escape it, it's inevitable when you feel well, you have to cherish it.

Planes

2009-01-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

I found this photo on my old USB stick a while back. I remember taking it; there was an airshow taking place near us, and I could see it all from the front porch. I just took a few impulsive snaps, and this was the best.

Oh yeah...

2009-01-05T12:37:00.000-08:00

This is something that sent me absolutely over the moon. Ulster 37- Munster 11!

My Dad and I(I'm still home for the holidays) had to drive to Belfast to find a pub showing the game but it was well worth it :-). To put this in context this is the first time the Ulstermen have won down there since 1992- I was four at the time. It's probably the best single performance I've seen for oooh... 10 years? To say I was pleased would be an understatement.

Vista

2009-01-05T04:33:00.000-08:00

Nothing to do with Windows here- I'm a macbook man. Instead, I'm going to talk about how yesterday I walked along the edge of Strangford Lough with Holly*

It was a cold winters day and the vista was beautiful, the sun was setting behind Scrabo Tower which added a pink tinge to the sky, reflected on the sea. I have the best album for that kind of day, and it's one of my favourites. L.Pierre, otherwise known as Aidan Moffat from Arab Strap, released this gorgeous piece of sound collage in 2007- Dip. It's perfectly chosen album art- I feel like the record is very in touch with nature. In fact, the view over the Lough is very similar to the cover. Listen to the album and let it take you on a walk beside Strangford Lough with me.

*Holly is my black labrador friend. She isn't very smart, but she's a gentle soul. During the day she likes to sit by the window and watch the cars drive past our house. She's six years old and is really beginning to feel her age I think... she also has a little grey beard, which I find very funny.

Introduction

2009-01-04T11:02:00.000-08:00

"Ladies and gentlemen, this piece of music comes from one of my principle influences as an artist. I'm talking of course, though he needs no introduction, of the great Oedipus Rex. Rex was a songwriter from one of the most existential regions of Eastern Europe. Early on in his career, he was hailed as the 'spokesperson of his generation' but in the years preceding his death, he suffered from an acute state of mental psychosis. And whilst he made some of his best music at this time, he was was often cruelly mocked and undermined on the existentialist social scene. However, all this prejudice melted away one famous night; Rex stunned the crowd at a glamourous party by conducting an orchestra composed of the ghosts and demons that tormented him nightly. To general astonishment, the music produced by this hallucinatory ensemble was audible to all present.

It is therefore with great pleasure that I present to you our guests tonight 'Oedipus Rex and the Invisible Orchestra'!"

Stash!

2009-01-02T07:55:00.000-08:00

I just found an old USB stick, plugged it in to see what was on it- mp3s of 10 albums I don't own. Bonanaza... It's good stuff as well, Nick Drake, The Aliens, The Frames, Regina Spektor... what a result.

New Year's Eve and I've Nowhere To Go

2008-12-31T09:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a pretty unpleasant nine days. I haven't wanted anybody around, hated company. I barely said two words to my family when they were here. Christmas is such an overload, I had to go from being a hermit to being constantly around my family, by the 27th I just... shut down. Even when I try and force myself to talk to people, my friends, on line I can't. I just have nothing to say. I'm considering investigating getting assessed to see whether or not I do have Aspergers Syndrome beyond reasonable doubt, be that as it may, I DO have a mood disorder and I worry that this is behind my mindset in a subtle way. I don't feel like I am depressed. Just fed up with my life, which is probably what people who have never suffered clinical depression refer to as depression. So I would suggest that I am not having any kind of episode, but am feeling the effects of being unable to relate to 'normal' people within my family on an emotional level, unable to tolerate company and yet still feeling socially isolated. It's not my mood disorder- just fed up.

Ay... my life is slipping away. New year's Eve at home, the only friend within the same country as me is seriously ill. I will visit him soon.

Continued thought

2008-12-22T10:06:00.000-08:00

It's great to have nothing to write about. I'm completely on holiday; I haven't left the house today. It's very much the break I needed as I wrote before... Reading my previous post, made me think of this time last year. Just as much free time for a very different reason, I was lost in my own mind, I was very sick. If I remember correctly I spent last Christmas Day mostly by myself, I rallied myself to spend time giving and receiving gifts with my family but I certainly didn't feel any 'Christmas spirit', I couldn't. All the food tasted like ashes... how do you describe these experiences in words? You can't. I'd been rushed home from Edinburgh in the worst possible circumstances and I didn't have anything to look forward to- yes, it was just a symptom of a depressive episode but the only vivid memory I have of last Christmas is I knew that there wasn't anything to live for and I didn't have the energy to try and end myself again. That's very sad I know.

Posting that aphorism the other day implied something unfair about my own attitude after that time, because it would have been easier to give up than carry on, but looking back on the year gone past I DID try harder and I owe the fact that I'm much happier this Christmas to that, not just luck, time or venlafaxine. Though of course they all played very large, relevant parts.

And this is also a good time of year to reflect on all the good things of the past year. I'm thinking of my relationship with my mother- it was always distant and filled with hurt for both of us. But when the mania followed in the spring of this year past, it was her who insisted that I didn't need to go into hospital to the CPNs et al. She was informed they had a bed for me and she said no, despite the fact my CPN was beginning to worry about my parents safety as I failed to control what was happening to me... Frightening experiences and memories, but my parents were rocks and now their gifts don't come out of obligation- I really want to show them how much I owe them. Because I hate to think where I'd be without them. So, now my mum and I have a relationship where we never did before. It's not the only good thing bipolar gave us, but it is by some distance the biggest. And now the crisis has gone but the bonds it formed have not.

After all the po-faced seriousness of that post, I feel obliged to mention that my dad made lamb shanks and I ate them with my fingers. I've got the sauce on my nose. So merry Christmas!

Thought

2008-12-20T16:58:00.000-08:00

I've been following the blog PostSecret.

I found one postcard that got to me. It said 'I've been using manic depression as an excuse to give up. I should be using it as a reason to try harder'

It's the wisest thing I've ever seen on the internet. It's got me thinking.

Great online label

2008-12-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

Everybody check out The Land Of.

It's run by Justin Hardison (aka. My Fun) and he's put together a roster of some absolutely wonderful talent. There are some great albums on there, I received my handmade edition of Laminae by The Green Kingdom today(it's exquisite btw, I'm listening to it now and it's really beautiful) and you can also download albums for a very reasonable $8 (Americano money).

I'm still feeling completely worn out and exhausted, but I've rallied emotionally. I'm just glad to be back in the family home, and not under pressure to go to classes or talk to people. Things will be better in the spring, with much to look forward to. And there has been rugby! I watched both Welsh derbies and the Bath vs Sale match. I find it difficult to concentrate for 80 mins but there were some great scores, Luke McAlister is way to good for this hemisphere. He's an All Black imo, if he goes back down south. Imagine that... they could choose between McAlister and Nonu! The two best inside centres in the world. And on that scary note, I will leave!

Looking to next year's Music

2008-12-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

I just got an e-mail from the guy who runs our Performance Workshop course (Dr. Stapleton). Next semester, after the submission of all necessary coursework, we'll get to choose our own ensembles. Hallelujah... the way is open for me to branch out in creative directions that were closed to me! I reckon a group who can incorporate pre-recordings, samples, loops and signal processing into an electroacoustic performance/composition environment is now open! Who's afraid of ambient music? I'm very excited about the possibilities now (potentially) open to me. I'll start now, and when I get the E-bow and delay pedal, my sound continues to develop.

It's so important for me to have a creative outlet, and I felt that the guys I was working with (who don't like the sort of things I do/like) were curbing that. My other band doesn't have the same scope for experimentation either, much as I enjoy it, blues is quite hard to reconcile with free-tempi electroacoustic stuff. So I fully intend to grasp this opportunity. :-D I'll revisit this later to set some firm goals, after consulting with (probably) Eimear. I think I want to look into using MaxMSP to try and refine my guitar sound, it's the most powerful tool I could have...

I've made a playlist on last.fm of some of the music which is influencing me, if anyone is interested. I'm sorry if this post is indecipherable. I feel very lucky though, to be on a course which nurtures my creativity so much.

Brian Eno

2008-12-19T07:16:00.000-08:00

This is my album of the year. And of course it's an album that has been around for many years, but I've only got into it recently

Brian Eno - Music for Airports

It's melancholy, lonely, relaxing and very, very beautiful.

Christmas, good timing.

2008-12-19T06:53:00.000-08:00

I'm glad it's nearly Christmas, and that all my classes are over. I've just come out of a five-week D.

That's not a bad one, to feel depressed for only five weeks at this time of year, getting off lightly, especially when I consider the hell that nearly ended me last November. So I am lucky. But it's INCREDIBLY hard to keep up with work when you're depressed! I had to get extensions for various projects, missed lots of classes, I've been having catch-up tutorials. Then my meds got put up, so we're looking at drowsiness on top of the 24-hour fatigue... I missed a lot. But do you want to know the happy ending? I'm feeling better, albeit very socially isolated (when I'm depressed I hide in my room, I've been too scared to go into the kitchen or talk to the people I used to be friends with at the start of the semester. I guess social anxiety is par for the course). So I'm feeling better, I met all my deadlines, I'm caught up (with good grades) and tonight I'm going home.

They call them episodes, and they do feel like little soap operas sometimes.

Last night, I did the first social thing I've done in two months, I went on the music technology night out. It was very dull, although I had an interesting conversation about LSD. It was too loud, with all the music, and talking, it was not a pleasant environment. It's funny I used to work in a bar, and a hotel bar, but ever since I became a recluse who only listens to ambient music alone in his room, my standards have obviously changed!

I've been lurking and posting on this interesting site- www.wrongplanet.net

This comes in the wake of my Community Psychiatric Nurse, mother and various other people pointing out that I, apparently, have Aspergers Syndrome. I looked up all the symtons and though I'm not formally diagnosed 'The glove fits.' I've been lurking over there and it's been very informative, some threads I've stumbled across that are uncannily similar to my own experience. Like, uncanny, I swear.

So what lies in store over the holidays? Fun with MaxMSP and guitars! More studying! (I love studying music so much) and seeing the family. Would like to see my cousin, spend a lot of time with him. He has suffered a similar medicated twilight in recent times. You never feel quite normal on meds.

So have a great solstice, any readers out there.

£50 note

2008-12-19T06:38:00.000-08:00

I heard this little story the other day, which I will now paraphrase. Not sure if this is true or an urban myth or just a fun little story to make people feel good but...

A lecturer pulled out a £50 note from his pocket and said to his class 'Would anyone like this?'

(There were several willing takers)

So he crumpled it into ball, and threw it on the ground and jumped on it! He picked up the battered note and offered it again to the class. Despite it's worse for wear state, the impoverished students were still equally keen to take it off his hands.

'So', he said, 'what it's been through hasn't changed it's value. People are the very same. Whatever you've been through, you're still a person of value'

Sounds like a pretty easy class, huh?